A warning to gay men and bi or straight women:
Twenty Percent Sexier
Nicholas Ivan Ladendorf
I don't change my look very often. Why mess with perfection?
But a sinister woman has come into my life...
...who just quit smoking (for me) and wants revenge by mutilating my body...
...with her medieval interrogation tools...
...and today the victim is my pristine lobes.
You would think she'd been happy with talking me into cutting my chin whiskers off...
...she kept assuring me that she was doing it to make me look sexier...
...but that doesn't explain why she insisted on doing it herself...
...or all the moaning.
Okay she wasn't really moaning the whole time.
That part came well after she was done.
Which isn't why I went through with it.
I'm not the kind a guy who gets p-whipped real easily
part of it did have to do with my dad becoming a Jehovah's Witness and taking his earrings out
he had his in back when he was the only straight guy with them
Knowing my pops it was probably to get laid.
But now he has them out and I feel a cosmic obligation to rebalance the metrosexuality of the universe
I did leave my heart and my man purse in San Francisco
it must have followed me here
I mean my heart. My man purse is still California.
Maybe on the beach.