The entire of our society has become schizophrenic!
Citizens walk around ‘hands free’ having conversations with themselves,
yet they lock me up in here and say that I am the crazy one!
They almost deserve their fate.
Wait, I don’t really mean that.
I should have compassion for my fellow Americans. They don’t truly deserve to be picked apart by the Suomian killer satellites
simply for being ignorant. If I really wished such a horrible fate to befall them I would have never tried to warn them. I shouldn’t
hold contempt. The Suomians are a clever bunch. They wouldn’t have gotten so far in their plans for world domination if they
I must sound crazy to you. I must sound delirious and demented; their doctors tell my wife I am, and I am sorry for that. I just
get so excited talking about them and what they have done. Oops, there I go again, going on about they and them without telling
you who they are. I am talking about the Suomians, the people you have been misled into thinking of as the people of Finland.
Their deception goes much further than simply giving the world a false name to hide behind. Don’t tune me out as some sort of
racist, I have nothing against the Finnish (as they have us call them) people as a race! It is the Soumi government that I feel has
gone awry. With a minimal amount of interrogation and deprogramming, we will be able to reintegrate our Finnish Americans out
of internment camps. It may not be necessary but I’d rather not risk national security for a bunch of Finns.
I originally became interested in Finland after hearing that they were the first country to pay the United States back after World
War two. Before hearing this, the only thing I heard about Finland was that the tango was catching on there. I became interested
in the noble little country and started to research it. That is when I found the darker side of Finland. My suspicions grew as I
found that they were a festive culture with a rich heritage. This raised the question: Why did their spin-doctors allow one of our
country’s most respected news programs to show Finland as a depressed lonely place that needed the tango? It was obvious
that the media were trying to manipulate the American public into sympathizing for the Finns while they make advancements for
Some of my critics have accused me of taking a pretty big leap of logic there: This isn’t like when I thought that Taiwan was
plotting to take over the world by slowly introducing more and more advanced toys until they have advanced nine inch plastic
robots trained in kickboxing and demolitions in almost every home in America and thousands more in the inventories of Wal-
Mart, Kay Bee Toys, and Toys R Us! But this isn’t like that! Finland, rather, Soumi is indeed taking over the world, and I
figured out how!
The secret wasn’t easy find. At first I thought it might have been through the ice breaking ships they manufacture. Or perhaps
through their Santa Claus theme park; perhaps they are co-conspiring with Taiwan on that one. I even suspected the Fiskar
scissors they make. Every theory got me more ridicule than the next. I needed to do some espionage, but I neither had the funds
nor the bravery to go onto enemy soil. I did the next best thing. I attended Finn Fest. I was knee deep in Finnish culture, and it
was there that I found the answer:
Cell phones are the perfect way to undermine our way of life: They radiate radiation into our ear canal! They can carry subliminal
messages that tell us to obey our Suomian overlords! They track our location! And they lead us to give up our other means of
communication! Now newer models have cameras on them in addition to their ability to record sound. With agents of the Soumi
government sifting through the data acquired by their phones; it becomes a matter of waiting for a government employee to walk
into a restricted area with one of those shoulder holsters, for the so called Finns to have American secrets! I know it’s
If being able to make us comply weren’t evil enough! If being able to triangulate our locations with killer satellites weren’t
frightening enough! If being able to eliminate to destroy our communications abilities weren’t devastating enough! I suspect that
they have other commercial fronts…Blue Cross being one of their most established! I find their blatancy of naming the company
after the icon adorning their flag! It just makes me sick how they taunt us in plain sight! How they use two of the vilest industries
to undermine us!
They also have military out posts on American soil. There are only a few, the main one being in Minnesota. The front is that of a
total emersion Finnish language camp. It took me months to work up the courage to go, but I needed to be able to understand
their language. One of their greatest advantages is the uncommonness of the Finnish tongue. They might be able to use it the way
we used the Navajo code-talkers in World War two.
While in this camp, I was very restless. During the day I did my best to fit in, knowing that survival meant blending in. But at
night my anxieties were taking a toll. On my third night I couldn’t take it anymore, so I decided to go for a walk to relax. That is
when I noticed the director’s light was still on. I wondered what kind of scoundrel would be up at such a late hour. I noticed him
just as he ascended from the basement; I peeked in just in time to see the arsenal at the bottom of the flight. I gasped loud
enough for him to look towards the window, but was lucky he didn’t take heed.
After waiting for him to sleep, I inspected all of the basement windows. I found it very convenient that most of them were
obscured. The one I could see something through had an odd device on the other side that had hundreds of dials and knobs. At
first I was convinced that it had to be a type of communications device for contacting the motherland. But that couldn’t be it;
after all they could just use cell phones and maybe the internet. Which means it is either for monitoring our communications or
operating a thermonuclear device.
Learning the language was no longer important. I now knew enough details of their plans. The Suomians were colonizing
Minnesota (and now I also suspect Florida), from which they can have a fast striking missile assault. I could go on about what
Minnesota is capable of but it isn’t important.
I tried telling the police about the nefarious scheme when they arrested me for assault. A Finn attempted a death grip, and guised
it as a friendly pat on the back during breakfast. The arresting officer claims that he is called ‘Mac’ because he is Scottish, not
because his last name is Mackie,
as I accused.
My wife had me committed to avoid prison time. At first I resented her ruining my credibility. I have since forgiven her. For all I
know the Suomians beguiled her into putting me in here. Jail has maximum sentences, institutionalization can be indefinite. The
silver lining is that it only proves that they are threatened by me.
More recently she has disappointed me in not keeping me informed of the progress of my public service announcements. At first
she was discouraging me, saying that they were embarrassing and unhealthy. My ‘doctor’ disagreed, saying that it was very
therapeutic for me to vent. My wife with a sigh responded, “He only says that because he is sick of hearing it in your sessions.”
The tapes I made were each sent to the various news organizations. I continued to bombard them with tapes for six months. I
knew that eventually someone would respond. And contrary to what my wife said, someone did. I will never forget how
reluctant she was to hand me the contracts. She tried to cover it but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction “I don’t think you’ll like
who…” interrupting I retorted “I don’t care! You said this would be multiple segments of my findings on major networks! The
truth must come to the light that doesn’t touch Suomi six months of the year!”
She had nothing to say to that. I endorsed the contract and gave her the pen to co-sign. She knew deep down I was right,
though she probably told herself I was being ‘irrational’. I don’t see her ideas being made into Public Service Announcements.
She was less reluctant to tell me about spreading the word after that. She said she was offered a chance to get onto Letterman
(honoring my belief that anyone as unfunny as Leno must be in Finn pockets), and to bring me contracts for a biography about
my life. I hate to make my wife seem shallow, but I believe things have become easier on her. It isn’t that she’s a gold-digger,
but there is a comfort to having financial support from a husband. The Public Service Announcements are putting food on the
I notice things around here have gotten easier too. I have my own room now, and the food is better. I am banned from the
internet since that virus incident in Helsinki, but I have my own computer to write on. The biggest perk being the new video
camera I am filming this on.
I don’t bother watching television when I’m in the Rec. Room; most programming is lacking. But as long as it’s on, I keep an
eye and ear on it to watch for Suomian propaganda. I was busy in the arts and crafts section of the activity room drawing the
Finnish flag, with splashes of red and orange to signify flame, when I heard my own voice!
With what sounded akin to the emergency broadcast signal were the letters W-A-R-N-I-N-G scrolled across the screen. After
a second of snow static, there I was, grim yet dignified. “Fellow Americans I have come to warn you…”
I grinned large with delight. I am pleased in the manner in which my statements were edited and overlapped with breath taking
scenes of places that look so lovely, but I know to be sinister. “I have reason to believe the following places are fronts of the
Suomian government for weapons of mass destruction…”
My furrowed brow cripples my smile as I turn to hear snickering behind me. I turn to look; three orderlies were having a grand
occasion, which appeared to be at my expense. One of them sees me looking at him. He nudges the others to quit laughing. I
study them intently, noticing that one of them is looking wide-eyed past me. I looked back to see what he could have seen but I
didn’t catch the end of the commercial. The orderly looked a little relieved.
My doctors say it is a good thing to release pent up anger. They didn’t bother telling me that doesn’t include taking it out on
orderlies. I didn’t attack him as I am sure the rumors will have you believe by tomorrow. “What are you snickering at?” focusing
on the one that ruined the feeling of pride that was swelling up in me “You don’t take the threat seriously, is that it?”
The orderly protested that he was sorry as he continued to laugh (though he did seem to try and suppress it). But I wanted to
put the fear of Lapland into him so I did not relent “The Russians once doubted the Finns! They thought they could walk over
them in a couple of months! Three years! Russia was an up and coming superpower and it took them three years! Think about
I showed him some mercy and stepped away. My finger hurt from jabbing him in the chest. Vindication rippled though me. But I
needed to drive the point home. As I walked back to my Suomian iconoclasm I informed “You can’t trust a little country that
drinks more coffee than the any other country in the world! Makes you wonder what they are up to on all those long
nights…What do you think they talk about in the confines of their saunas?”
It was meant to be a whisper, but I heard, the other orderly quipped, “Probably how their new spokesman has created an all
time high in tourism.”
I don’t know why they thought that was so funny. Perhaps because Finnish tourism and Finnish products have flourished even
though my thirty second public service announcements warn against it. People are booking trips despite the fact that the
announcements are being played during the most popular sitcoms, and high rating time slots.
I tried to find out who this spokesman is; but I have been banned from watching television. They say it would be too much
stimulus for me. They say it would get me too upset. I asked my wife who the Suomians have endorsing them, who has so much
sway over the public. She kissed my forehead and said
“The last person you’d expect…”